Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
