Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
