I CAN MOONWALK!
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
