Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Come on in and take your pants off
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
