Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
