i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
