btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
