Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
