The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
