she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Someone came in the potted fern
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
