How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
