The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
