I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
