The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Your penis caused this!
You left your phone here
Wait...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
