i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
