When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
