Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
