He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
