she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
