i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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