He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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