actually, I'm a sock model
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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