I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
