it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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