I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
