We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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