my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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