I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
