I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
