You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you still have your period?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
