My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
