I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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