I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
