this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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