The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It's just like the Real World with babies
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
