Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
