I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
