I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
dude i'm inner monologue high
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
