Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
