Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
