I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
