I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Even my vagina gasped.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
