Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
