That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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