I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
