I'm so fucking centered right now
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
the day after is always just damage control
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
