Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
