You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
