i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
