I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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