This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
