i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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