Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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