it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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