I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
