I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
