Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
