had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
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A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
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No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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