I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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