Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
